My Thought Today

I am so disappointed in people that I trusted and loved. Its sad. Very sad. I miss one person in particular, but I have been told over and over again that it is a friendship that was not meant to move forward at this point. I have so many great memories, and I will hold on to those.

I am moving forward in good positive ways though, and am in a wonderful place in my life, and I am surrounded by amazing people that have open and HUMUNGOUS (Spelling?) hearts! Our love for eachother is amazing, and the friendship bond holds very strong! I am glad they are with me on this part of my journey in my life, I hold their hands tight and we work together taking each step with lots of love and laughter! ha, that sounds so gay! Whatever!

It's True

I am in love!

Honesty is So Important

I am thankful for your call, it was good to hear from you. I am so happy to hear you are doing so well. You sound happy! I am happy for you! I am really happy for you! You are a wonderful man, and a very important person in my life, and I miss you very much! Our conversation was the best conversation I think we have had in a long time. Thank you so much for your words of encouragement, for your honesty, your trust, and your special love. Good luck and best wishes on good surf out there!

XOXO

What Is This?

I am feeling forced to feel good. I am feeling forced to act normal. I do not feel good and I do not feel normal. What the fuck is wrong with me? I cannot stop crying when I am alone and no one is watching me.



I feel alone.

Not A Good Feeling

I have not been feeling very well lately. Too many thoughts have been running through my head. I have not been thinking good things about myself. I have been saying terrible things about myself in my head. I have not been liking myself much at all. This has been a strain on my relationship, I feel terrible for him. He has done nothing wrong, and has his own feelings. I work hard at being good to myself. But, lately, I have been hating on me. I don't like what I am doing. I am sad again, and just want to sleep in and cry, which I did this morning after he left. I am sad that I am being this way, especially showing him my sad side. he has not seen me break down yet, and I am afraid of what might happen to us if he does. I just want to try and be a good person, but its so hard when I feel that I am this horrible monster, and I think about that day over and over in my head. I think about that terrible doctor that has literally made me a different person. I can feel his hands and his smug look, and I can feel the pain. I still feel like I deserved that pain, and I will remember that always. Forever.

Please please please, make this feeling go away. Please.

Weekend of Emotions

It was a crazy weekend of crazy emotions for me. My head was all over the place. It never stopped, it was full of either high or low emotions. I had been anxious since my last paper was due on Sunday, of course, I waited till the last day to do it. I had been feeling worried about my grades, did I do well enough to pass the class? I had such a rough semester, with all the troubles that I faced in the early months of the year. Did I do well enough, is all I asked myself. I can only wait and see now.

I had been feeling anxious about dinner with Jon's family. I guess its always anxious meeting and spending time with the new guys family. For me, it was a bit more nerveracking since his sister had her baby there. I was not sure how I was going to feel around the baby. I had been telling myself and punishing myself for so long that I am this horrible person that has done a horrible and terrible thing. I did not want to enjoy the baby, but I did. And it felt good, but so sad at the same time. I looked at Jon, who looked so good holding the baby, and though for a second, "wow, that looks right!" Maybe, he could be the right one? But, then I thought, "have I been punished enough? Will this person everyone calls 'God' be good to me and let me have some happiness?" Did I go through enough misery and pain during the winter? Did I lose enough friends along the way? Did I harm my body enough for punishment that I would be saved in the future for a blessing? Am I done yet? Can I move on and feel better about life, and its beautiful things that come with it, like babies?

I still feel like a bad person, and only I can make the decision to not feel that way. I do not feel that I am ready yet to accept that I am not a bad person. I feel that I have not punished myself enough yet. This writing is punishment in a way, and reminding myself of who I am is punishment. I do it everyday. I sometimes wish I could call him in L.A. and tell him that I am still sad some days, is he? Is this a good idea that we are not speaking? That I have moved on and am falling in love with someone else? That I hardly ever think about him. I am starting to forget the sound of his voice.

I am not happy with myself, but I still love myself. I am feeling okay today, very tired though. I think today will be okay. I need to go to a meeting tonight, its been almost a month. I will do that tonight. Yes.

Rain Rain Go Away

I had a long depressing day yesterday, with my first treatment that took a little longer than usual, I am feeling more hopefuly about today. I had been anxious all day yesterday, waiting for the time for me to leave work and go to the doctors.

I am sad that I have to go through this, and I am sad that the lupus and psoriosis will never go away. I am ashamed of the way my body looks with the red patchy spots all over. I feel shy when we are in bed and he first touches me, but his touch is comforting and reassuring. I get depressed knowing that twice a week, I have to go to the doctors and get a light treatment done, that they have to give me a shot of chemo before I step into "the box". I wish I didnt have to go through this, I wish that my skin was more healthier, I wish that I was not ashamed of the way my body looks.

Today, however, I am feeling less discouraged. I am hoping to get started on my very last assignment for my class! I am looking forward to leaving work early, and I am looking forward to spending the evening with my man at the Baysox game tonight!

If you are reading this, I meant what I said last night. It's true... you are a really really cool guy! And yes, I am falling in love. Oh! And its with you!

I Need You

I wanna get lost in some corner booth in Cantina Mexico
I wanna dance to the static of an am radio
I wanna wrap the moon around us
Lay beside you skin on skin
And make love til the sun comes up
Til the sun goes down again
Cause I need you
Like a needle needs a vein
And I need you
Like a lighthouse on a coast
Like the father and the son need the Holy Ghost
I need you

I Am Getting There

I told him that I was falling in love with him. I scared myself to death saying that outloud, but I had to do it. I had to get over my fear of commitment. I am afraid though, I am afraid that it will not be mutual. I am afraid that I am thinking too much about him. I am afraid that he will not love me the same way back. I want to be in love again. I want to be in love with him.

On another note, I had the man come back and haunt my dreams last night. It might have been a reaction from not taking my medicine in the last 3 days. He scared me. He touched me. He hurt me. I did not feel safe, until I was woken up by the BF who was trying to sleep next to me. I felt safe, knowing that he was there. I feel very safe with him.

He asked me about my intentions during a night out with friends (Alcohol had inhibited his memory and he asked me again last night) ha ha! What are my intentions? I have never thought about it until he asked me that. Here is a brief list of my intentions, not in any particular order, and I am not sure if this is a complete list:
1. To fall in madly deeply crazy love with you!
2. To be a good GF!
3. To be honest with my feelings, not to be afraid to cry, laugh, and be crazy with you!
4. To share my life with you.
5. To support you and cheer you on at the finish lines!
6. To become a good riding partner! ha!
7. To eventually become someone that you will not be afraid of, to trust, and share your life with me also!
8. To experience feelings that had been untouched for a long time.
9. To share the sunshine with you!!!!!!
10. To just be happy.

Anxious

I am on a high right now! I am feeling well, maybe too well. I am feeling many emotions right now, most are happy and feel-good emotions. I am afraid and anxious though that I am going to crash hard. I have made appointments to the doctors for my skin, and the treatments put me in a mental sadd.ness. I am worried that this feel-good moment is going to pass, and I will be sleeping again, and depressed from the emotions and physical reactions from my doctors appointments. I do not want my current feelings and emotions to fade away. I want to hold on to them forever and ever!

I am afraid of being sad again.
I hated being sad.
I absorbed the saddness till the saddness was even empty

I want to hold on to my happiness.
I want to smell the happiness.
I want to feel free with happiness.

Where am I going with this?
End Note: I am scared and anxious of falling into a saddness and upsetting everyone that loves and cares for me. I am scared that this world of mine that just started to shine with luminous vibrant colors will return to the gray and black. I am nervous. I am afraid of disappointing myself. I am feeling weird right now. I am going to bed.

That's Why I Love U2!

"True love never can be rent, but only true love can keep beauty innocent. You can run from love, and if it's really love it will find you, catch you by the heel, but you can't be numb for love. How can I hurt when I'm holding you? The soul needs beauty for a soulmate. When the soul wants, the soul waits...for love and sex and faith and fear." U2

I Live in the Moment... Really.

So I bought a new car, actually its a Jeep Grand Cherokee! It's great! I love it. Well, actually I go through periods of where I love it, then periods where I am shocked at what I did.

Sitting in traffic on route 1, staring at these trucks. I look ahead and see what traffic is not moving an inch really. So what the hell... I pull into the lot, and buy the damn thing. On my way out, I call Mr. Nice Smile and tell him what I have actually done, he had been getting play by play updates through the entire purchsing period, but it was when I was driving home in my new truck, that I realized that it was my first time driving the damn thing. I never took it for a test drive. I just walked in and said I would take that car... pointing to the shiny black one!

Kathy my sales lady, smiled and said "you got it!"

So far though, I have had it for 3 whole days and I am starting to like it more and more. Yay!

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There are moments when one feels free from one's own identification with human limitations and inadequacies. At such moments one imagines that one stands on some spot of a small planet, gazing in amazement at the cold yet profoundly moving beauty of the eternal, the unfathomable; life and death flow into one, and there is neither evolution nor destiny; only Being. - Albert Einstein