May 31 2007

It's the last day of May, its 10:22a. I am sitting in the office wearing a black and white polka dotted shirt dress. My hair is cropped short, with hints of red highlights peaking out. I am smiling. I am feeling great! I slept last night very comfortably, and my nights are no longer scary to me. I feel safe.

Today is also the first day that I no longer have to worry about Chemo Shots being pumped into my body every Wednesday and Friday. I look forward now, going to the doctors on Friday knowing that I will just be giving blood, and doing my PUVA treatment.

Things are going well, I cannot complain. Well, thats a lie. I can always complain about something. For instance, I made spaghetti the other night and I could have put more spices in the sauce. But, it still tastes pretty damn good. Thats about all I have to complain about right now! Cool huh?

Oh shit, I need to send out Cat and Bill's gift. I have to do that today! I want it to be there before the baby girl comes! Reminder on a post it note will help!

Good Days are to come!
I am keeping my faith!

Is This True?

"I have found that if you love life, life will love you back." Arthur Rubenstein

Lao Said It, Not Me... Right On Lao

"Being deeply loved someone gives you strength, While loving someone deeply gives you courage."

Lao Tzu

God Is NOT Great

By Christopher Hitchens

Buy it Now!

Yes, thats a fact for sure.

Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.

Last Time This May...

He was getting ready to leave for Wyoming. We were set in our ways of coming to the realization that we are not meant to be anything more that what we already are (between only Jon and I). It was not long after, mearly a few days of him being settles in the wild Teton Mountains that I discovered our first... what do I want to call it? Not a tragedy, not a mistake... I have to think about what I want to call our first real circumstance while being what we were then.

A year has gone by, I have not forgotten that moment that I realized what was happening to my body, what was growing inside, what disappeared so quickly. I can remember my phone call to you, I was on my way to my parents house. I was so scared and pissed off, excited, nervous. Mostly scared of what I would hear on the other end of the line.

A year has gone by and look where we are today. So many life changing events have come our way. New destinations, new adventures, new loves.

Same love for eachother.

I asked for "October" a special song written at a very heartbreaking time in our lives. I wanted to have another copy, since mine was sort of muffled. He sent the words and they made me cry. I heard his sisters song Keep The Faith, it made me cry.

I am holding on to this faith, from where I got it, I do not know. I am holding on so tight and I am trying not to let go. I am determined to keep my faith and hopefully he is too. Whats going to happen when October comes around? What about December? I am nervous for what I might feel during those times. But, I will hold on to the faith that I have and keep a strong mentality.

OCTOBER

Jim Downey's in jail

I found him there,

Twiddling his thumbs, never had a chance,

The world's not fair.

Don Downey's insane,

He's lost somewhere,

When will he return, no one knows,

He's lost somewhere.

Emma Wilson's afraid,

She's lost the one,

All her little horses, love and innocence,

She'd found them there.

Evelyn is ashamed,

She's unaware,

Self-acceptance, in a beat up card board box,

She'll never look there.

Sam Foster is dead,

No longer believes in prayer,

All of him is hurt, all of him is guilt,

He's not really there.

Our country's in vain,

We've had a scare,

Pilgrim's Pride, turned to arrogance,

So hard to care.

Our World is in pain,

Love and Peace are rare,

Burning buildings, all the violence,

In this we share.

I cannot write anymore to this.

Just A Thought, Really

A man who is seeking for realization is not only going round searching for his spectacles without realizing that they are on his nose all the time, but also were he not actually looking through them he would not be able to see what he is looking for!

Counting Sheep Doesn't Work When There is a Lawn Mower Sleeping Next To You.

I snore, and it has become a HUGE problem. I remember it was a problem for me and JP, but now, its definitely an issue for me and Jon. He has been suffering quietly at night, while I mow the lawn in my bed, in his bed... he has been sweet enough though to not dump me, but to work with me on this increasing problem. Hopefully, the remmedies we are trying will save our nights when we desperatly are seeking R.E.M sleep.

So far I have tried:
Going to a doctor for surgery (I am not considered a good subject... whatever)
Breathe Right strips (they fall off at night)
Breathe Right Gargle Mouth Wash (Didn't really work that well either)
Sleeping on my side (I still snore when I am on my side)
Jon shaking me (I fall asleep instantly and start the mower back up!)

Tonight we are going to try the Breath Right spray..it's something worth trying!!!

I feel terrible about the loss of sleep we are both getting. I am going to keep on trying. At least the men in my life that have dealt with my snoring have been super sensitive to that problem and have worked with me on dealing and finding a solution. Thanks for that!

Hope

Hope

Emily Dickinson

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,

And sings the tune--without the words,

And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;

And sore must be the storm

That could abash the little bird

That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,

And on the strangest sea;

Yet, never, in extremity,

It asked a crumb of me

Tired and Annoyed...Really

I have been so tired lately. My thoughts are racing through my head and I cannot stop and thinking clearly on anything. I have been so tired lately and I have a funny feeling that this is going to lead to another small depression period. That sucks. I have been doing pretty good about controlling my feelings and for the most part, feeling quite well actually.

I have been good about controlling my feelings with rumors and outbursts that I have "heard" from others. I guess that I am that interesting to talk about, especially with what I heard I have been doing lately. I heard lots of of rumors that I have a coke problem, that I am out of control, that I have a heroin and crack cocaine problem. I heard that I am just wild and need professional help! WOW! I guess I would be talking about me too... if it were true. Sorry to bust all the bubbles of people that are interested in my life, but choose not to ever ask me about my life. its funny that the people that are talking shit about me, have not even spoken to me since 2006. Whats going on people? Are you that fucking lame? I know you read this too, so I am asking you directly..... waiting... waiting...

I wish that you "now judgemental" people that used to be my friends, would just simply ask me straight forward how I am doing. Its so weird. I go through a very difficult time, and WHOOOSH! All these people that I thought were my friends, that I would trust... GONE... blink of an eye... poof!

I get through my difficult time with the friends that stuck around and make peace with things that I have done in my life. Next thing I know.... these people that took off on my last year start spreading rumors about my personal life... which by the way... you are soooooo fucking off. I wish that I could even afford to do the amount of coke and drugs that you say that I am doing. I wish that I could do it every day... but unfrotunatly I dont. I dont even do it every weekend, sometimes I dont even do it every month. God, I am some coke head huh? Wow, I guess a coke head is someone that has done coke once, twice, 3 times..... I am not sure, is a coke head someone that does coke every day? every weekend? every month? Please advise of a a correct definition... because I am pretty sure last I checked, last I snorted.... that I do not qualify as a coke head. Sorry to fuck that rumor up for you, I know that you were excited about talking about me.... at least talk about something that truthful and correct. Really. I defend myself on here, this blog because I want too, but I will never defend myself to those people, I have no reason, they have already made up their minds, and judged like assholes. I am surprised though how much I am a topic of people's conversations! Thanks for admiring my life that much! But really, there is no need. I am living a pretty simple life right now, and I like it.

I have gone off.... opps. I wrote more than I really wanted too.... on well. Its out there.
You know what I am addicted too? Jelly belly Jelly Beans... damn are they delicious!

Last note: What I do is my business, and if i want to party a little bit and blow a line here or there, thats my business not yours. PERIOD. You people are doing much more dangerous things to yourselves... like talking crap and judging as hard as you do... its really not healthy for you... its probably the worst thing you can possibly do to your bodies, mind and health. So technically you are doing a really bad thing.... not me. =)

Issues I have Right now.

There are times where I am super depressed because of my body, my skin, the way my skin looks on my body. I have good self-esteem, but its slowly fading. I look in the mirror sometimes and I wonder what kind of monster is growing on my body, why my skin looks and does what its doing. I wonder if the chemo will help. I wonder if the phototherapy will help. I wonder if the creams and other medicines will help. I am wondering if I will ever have healthy skin again.

I hate psoriosis
I hate lupus
I hate phototherapy
I hate chemo
I hate my skin