Fact or Fiction?

"The hottest love has the coldest end." Socrates

A Quote That Made Me Weep

"Love is like a flower, even the most beautiful kind dies". Till Lindemann

How Did It Become Too Hard?

I wish that things were different. I wish that I didnt feel so bad about our friendship. I have been so grateful and appreciative.

I have really enjoyed the last few weeks, my god has it helped me. Thank You.

Thank You for being such an incredible person in my life! I am amazed by you!

It's all Crap... maybe.

I went to a meeting tonight where they discussed God being the ultimate savior that will lead me to a healthy life. I am not sure that I believe that, if that were so true, then how do you explain all the horrible, terrible, unjustifiable, tragic, scary, everything gone wrong that you can imagine... events that have ever happened in my life, in YOUR life? I do not understand how this God, will lead you to a healthy life, with all this despair that happens. I do not even know if I believe in a God, nor a higher being right now. If I do, then I feel so beytrayed by this so called God.

Why is it that only God can lead me to a healthier life? I thought that there is a combination of factors that can lead you to a healthier life. I am trying very hard, and have had 2...TWO! very successful days of positive thinking and an active healthy lifestyle. I am hoping tomorrow will make it 3..THREE!

Right now I am very angry at God, I feel bad about it. Thats just how I feel right now.

Anonymous Told Me

"You are beautiful...when you let friends have their space, when you believe, when you laugh, or are moved to tears, when you let it just roll right off your back, when you talk about your dreams, when you help a turtle across the road, when you try to do the right thing even when it comes out wrong, when you love."

A Bit of Fresh Air

Being outside has given me a wonderful moment of happiness today. It has felt so good to be outdoors with Boomer. It changed me in a weird way. I feel good. Very good. I fell in love with being outside today.

And like any girl in love, I cannot stop smiling about it.

Not That Welcome

It's been 144 days since my last period. And I just got it. Why is it I feel so fucking sad and crappy? I hate the sight. 144 days. 144. 144.

October
November
December
January
February 20, 2007.

And it's finally here again. 144 days. It's finally here again. 144.

Dear Jessica

I miss you, where have you been? Its been over 2 months and I have not felt you. I miss you my friend. I am waiting for you and that rainbow of color to come back to me. I am losing hope, friends, work, life, power. I miss you and all the fun that we had before December. I miss the beach, I miss my friends, I miss my life. So, hurry back from where ever it is that you are. I miss you so.

Waiting
Jessica

Cloudy Thoughts

I have literally slept for about 3 days straight now. And, for the last two days I have had tightness in my chest. I have not moved from either the couch or my bed for the last 3 days. Maybe the tightness comes from not smoking. That doesnt make any sense. I have finally gotten off my ass, cleaned my room, started homework, cleaned a little bit of the house, ate. The tightness in my chest is still there. Perhaps its my heart aching. My heart is already broken, I dont know how it could possibly ache any longer. Maybe I am dying, maybe its a tumor, maybe I am having aheart attack and do not even know it. Maybe I should see a doctor about this. Maybe I should go back to bed and sleep some more.

Just For You

I fucking hate you.
I get sick in the stomach thinking about you.
How could you?
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
You have no integrity.
You have no soul.
You have no feelings.
You are not human.
I fucking hate you today.

Desperate

I woke up crying this morning, not exactly sure why. My mood fits my hair color. Definitely. Why am I so sad today? I cannot fight the tears, they won;t stop running down my face. I feel so broken inside today. I have been taking my Celexa religiously, why is this happening? I feel good one day and my spirits are high, then as soon as you know it, I crash... HARD. I had a good day yesterday, why is it today that I am so sad? I feel so fucking sad and I cannot stop crying. Please stop crying. I feel as if everything inside is broken, my heart, my stomach, my life...broken and torn.

Brown is the new Black

I colored my brown hair black tonight. I think it fits me. Now to get the dye off my skin where I spilled all over my body, from my face, ears, neck, shoulders, chest, down my bra, and on my toes. But the black is fitting. I feel black, so I might as well go all the way with the color. I like it.

A Lot Like Love

Happy Valentine's Day!

XOXO

Love,

Jessica

Flutter

The snow is falling, when I walk outside the snowflakes tickle my eyelashes. The wind is blowing hard and the snow is everwhere. The combination of freezing rain, sleet and snow makes me want to pack up my desk and go home and curl up in my bed, where I slept so soundly last night.

The day is gray, the snow is white, the roads are black. It fits my life, but at least there is more color. I see white and gray. It' better than black.

Keep The Faith

Last night I slept in his favorite bed, its so comfortable he says. I had not been able to sleep comfortably in about 2 months. After I got off the phone with him, I thought about what he said about being lonely. I feel so alone. Its a different lonely. So, I imagined that my bed was his chest, and I fell right to sleep laying on it. The covers were his arms that covered me and hugged me all night. I slept through the night with only one wake up. It was a relief and I felt good this morning as I got out of bed.

I am working very hard and keeping my faith and working on the good things. It has been difficult, I thought it was going to be easy. I know what I need to do, and I need to stay focused. I a not sure what I am doing writing online, and if this is even helping me. Sometimes, I write bullshit, since I am uncomfortable talking to people. There are very few people that I am talking too about me. And those people that I am talking too are so wonderful! I talked to 3 awesome people yesterday who helped me appreciate life a little more that I did the day before. I wish that that they knew that!

Sweet Dreams

I bought new pillows today. I am hoping that they will help me sleep better. I am trying not to take my sleeping pills, especially since I only have 1 left until Wednesday. I am wishing for bitter sweet dreams tonight, and snow!

Silent Night

I am lonely
I am silent
I fight to breathe
I feel so empty
and I hurt.
and I cry.
and I yell.
and I curse.

I am crying right now. But, I am silent.

Loved and Lost

Read a blog from my friend, she is wrote about having loved and lost.

I loved my life.
I am lost though.
I cannot love myself right now.
I feel like I have lost everything.
I cannot love anyone else right now.
I feel like I have lost everyone that I care about.
I have lost love.

¿Dónde está usted?

Usted es ido y yo le pierdo terriblemente. Odio estar triste, y deseo que pueda hablar con usted acerca de Usted fue siempre tan bueno acercade porción mí me siento mejor acerca de cosas.
¡Buenas Noches Y Dulces Sueños!

I suck at spanish!!!!

Go Away...Please

Go away, you man in blue
Go away, you man in the milk chocolate skin
Go away, you man with the black eyes
Go away, you man with the chainsaw hands
Go away, you man with the blood on your hands
Go away, you man with no dignity
Go away, you man with no sensitivity
Go away, you man that ripped my flesh
Go away, you man with the rubberband shaped mouth
Go away, you man, you smiled while I cried
Go away, you man, you chuckled as I screamed so loud
Go away, you man, I pleaded with you to stop
Go away, you man with no heart
Go away, you man, you broke my own heart
Go away, you man with no soul
Go away, you man, you took my own soul
Go away, you man, you haunt my dreams
Go away, you man, I see you everyday
Go away, you man, you are what made my world black
Go away, you man, I hate you so much

Helpless?

I felt helpless tonight after I left my doctors appointment. I felt as if there is no help for me. I feel stuck, sad, annoyed, really just sad. I do want to help myself, and I cannot do this by myself. I wish she could sprinkle the "cure" on me, or blow it in my face. But she can't, so I am stuck. Feeling very vulnerable and helpless.

Your phone call helped a little. Thank you for your hope. I will need it.

I just want some fucking help. PLEASE!

Untitled

I miss his words of encouragement.
I miss looking into his eyes and feeling his hope for me.
I miss him with saddness.
I miss him with happiness.
I miss the strength of his hands.
I miss the hugs that he gives.
I miss his songs.
I miss the feeling of loving him and being free from him.
I miss his breath.

He is on a journey where the songs are sweet, the surf is high, hills have rocks, and the fires burn. I miss my friend.

Sighs to the Cold

It's dark and cold outside. Not just the bitter windy cold, but the kind that tickles my bones. The cold blows to my face and moves my hair. My face hurts, stinging as if I fell into a brier patch. My eyelashes blink furiously to get used to the numbing of the air. It is so cold outside. It fits my like a glove. The cold air wraps around my body and I curl up like a fetus. Waiting for the darkness to swallow me hole. My hands are dry and brittle as they desperately need soothing lotion, I take in the pain, as that physical hurt soothes me. My eyes are red and dry, I cried too hard today, I cry every day and night. The cold air makes it difficult to see. I am waiting with patience for the darkness to go away. I am waiting for color to come back to my world. I am waiting. I exhale loudly waiting for my relief. Then I swallow back in the cold.

Saw III

Not too long ago I watched Saw III. As the days went on, I felt as if I had actually seen how I felt on TV. And then I remembered it was from watching Saw III. Does that make any sense, I watched how I felt on tv. I know, strange.

I feel like the the woman that was the witness to the accident, the one that is hanging naked in the freezer. She is so cold and then the water starts to spray her, freezing her slowly. Thats what I feel like... naked and freezing.

Every night I get sprayed with water. The sad thoughts that run through my head. The different personalities that I have during the day. The face that I show to most people around me, that I am normal and there is nothing wrong with me life. Then, there is the face that is so sad and pathetic. Thats the face I have when I am by myself at night when I am lying in bed. Thats the face that is desperate to show when I am around others. But I can't. So I continue to lie. Feel naked. I am slowly freezing.

MOR- uh-bund

This was the word of the day in dictionary.com today.

Moribund
[mawr-uh-buhnd, mor-] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective
1. in a dying state; near death.
2. on the verge of extinction or termination.
3. not progressing or advancing; stagnant: a moribund political party.

Pretty funny in a sad way.

My Lullaby

lull-a-by
n. pl. lull-a-bies
:A soothing song in which to lull a child to sleep

I slept through the night with the help of my new best friend Ambien last night. The wicked dreams that usually haunt me of the pain of that day, the color of his scrubs, his hands, did not visit me last night. Instead, it was the beautiful humming of "Hush, Little Baby". I have spent the last hour analyzing this song. I have come up with nothing. Maybe something with the looking glass. I am blank, and it bothers me. ALOT. What am I missing? Maybe it was nothing.

But for the first time in weeks, nights, hours, I am not thinking about how much I hurt, but rather a lullaby. For the first time in many many nights, I did not have my only nightmare, rather a lullaby. For the first time, that soothing song kept me asleep through the whole night. I woke with no tear.

Hush, little baby, don't say a word,
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird.

If that mockingbird don't sing,
Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring.

If that diamond ring turns to brass,
Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass.

If that looking glass gets broke,
Mama's gonna buy you a billy-goat.

If that billy-goat won't pull,
Mama's gonna buy you a cart and bull.

If that cart and bull turns over,
Mama's gonna buy you a dog named Rover.

If that dog named Rover won't bark,
Mama's gonna buy you a horse and cart.

If that horse and cart falls down,
You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town.

Outta Luck

The pain I felt I didn't deserve

I did nothing wrong

the things I felt made me ill and tore apart my heart.

I buried the pain deep inside

with anything sharp that I could find

I covered the slashes so nobody could see

just how the world was treating me.

That night no one came to my rescue,

my whole world caved in

I slowly sunk in to a box

and wouldn't let anyone in.

My life had hit a standstill

and it wouldn't restart

I curled up in my bed

whilst the pain tore me apart.

All the pain that I felt

meant nothing to me

because the thing that really mattered

was that I had lost the real me.

I was enclosed in a body

that was always full of pain

I felt like the body I lost

was never coming back again.

The pain became unbearable

and my life, one big strain

I felt it was time to end it all

as I no longer wanted pure pain.

I would pray to the angels

and all the god's above

that one day soon I could join them

and finally be happy up above.

I grasped a handful of tablets

and a sharp razor blade

but I stopped myself from doing it

as I felt that things would change.

The Horses

The song that I cannot stop listening too.
The Horses
Rickie Lee Jones

We will fly
Way up high
Where the cold wind blows
Or in the sun
Laughing having fun
With the people that she knows
And if the situation
Should keep us separated
You know the world won't fall apart
And you will free the beautiful bird
That's caught inside your heart

Can't you hear her?
Oh she cries so loud
Casts her wild note
Over water and cloud
That's the way it's gonna be, little darlin'
We'll be riding on the horses, yeah
Way up in the sky, little darlin'
And if you fall
I'll pick you up, pick you up

You will grow
And until you goI'll be right there by your side
And even then
Whisper the wind
And she will carry up your ride
I hear all the people of the world
In one bird's lonely cry
See them trying every way they know how
To make their spirit fly

Can't you see him ?
He's down on the ground
He has a broken wing
Looking all around
That's the way it's gonna be, little darlin'
You go riding on the horses, yeah
Way up in the sky, little darlin'
And if you fall I'll pick you up, pick you up

Can't you hear her ?
Oh she cries so loud
Casts her wild note
Over water and cloud
I'll pick you up darlin' if you fall
Don't worry 'bout a thing little girl
Because I was young myself not so long ago
And when I was young
When I was young
And when I was young, oh I was a wild, wild one.

My World is Black

December 1st 2006.
Everything went from all the colors in the spectrum to black and white.
I see nothing but darkness.
The only white right now is the light snow falling outside.
I feel nothing, but pain.
I sleep whenever I get a chance.
I cry every day.
I am desperate for Dr. Snapper to help me.