Weekend of Emotions

It was a crazy weekend of crazy emotions for me. My head was all over the place. It never stopped, it was full of either high or low emotions. I had been anxious since my last paper was due on Sunday, of course, I waited till the last day to do it. I had been feeling worried about my grades, did I do well enough to pass the class? I had such a rough semester, with all the troubles that I faced in the early months of the year. Did I do well enough, is all I asked myself. I can only wait and see now.

I had been feeling anxious about dinner with Jon's family. I guess its always anxious meeting and spending time with the new guys family. For me, it was a bit more nerveracking since his sister had her baby there. I was not sure how I was going to feel around the baby. I had been telling myself and punishing myself for so long that I am this horrible person that has done a horrible and terrible thing. I did not want to enjoy the baby, but I did. And it felt good, but so sad at the same time. I looked at Jon, who looked so good holding the baby, and though for a second, "wow, that looks right!" Maybe, he could be the right one? But, then I thought, "have I been punished enough? Will this person everyone calls 'God' be good to me and let me have some happiness?" Did I go through enough misery and pain during the winter? Did I lose enough friends along the way? Did I harm my body enough for punishment that I would be saved in the future for a blessing? Am I done yet? Can I move on and feel better about life, and its beautiful things that come with it, like babies?

I still feel like a bad person, and only I can make the decision to not feel that way. I do not feel that I am ready yet to accept that I am not a bad person. I feel that I have not punished myself enough yet. This writing is punishment in a way, and reminding myself of who I am is punishment. I do it everyday. I sometimes wish I could call him in L.A. and tell him that I am still sad some days, is he? Is this a good idea that we are not speaking? That I have moved on and am falling in love with someone else? That I hardly ever think about him. I am starting to forget the sound of his voice.

I am not happy with myself, but I still love myself. I am feeling okay today, very tired though. I think today will be okay. I need to go to a meeting tonight, its been almost a month. I will do that tonight. Yes.