Not A Good Feeling

I have not been feeling very well lately. Too many thoughts have been running through my head. I have not been thinking good things about myself. I have been saying terrible things about myself in my head. I have not been liking myself much at all. This has been a strain on my relationship, I feel terrible for him. He has done nothing wrong, and has his own feelings. I work hard at being good to myself. But, lately, I have been hating on me. I don't like what I am doing. I am sad again, and just want to sleep in and cry, which I did this morning after he left. I am sad that I am being this way, especially showing him my sad side. he has not seen me break down yet, and I am afraid of what might happen to us if he does. I just want to try and be a good person, but its so hard when I feel that I am this horrible monster, and I think about that day over and over in my head. I think about that terrible doctor that has literally made me a different person. I can feel his hands and his smug look, and I can feel the pain. I still feel like I deserved that pain, and I will remember that always. Forever.

Please please please, make this feeling go away. Please.