Can't Help It.

I shared this blog link with someone that I am feeling good about, I was nervous last night as I knew he was reading my entries less than 10 miles away. After we talked about the blog, I felt alright with that I had shared with him. I woke up this morning, feeling nervous again. Bad dreams came last night, tossing and turning. Poor Boomer didn't know where it was safe to sleep on the bed without me hitting his furry body.

Today, I promised was going to be a good day. The weather, although cloudy, will be warm. I am thankful for that! I am feeling thankful today. I am wondering what he might be thinking this morning after a nights sleep. Will my past haunt him, as it had me for so long? I hope not. Like I said earlier, I want today to be a good day. I am not nervous so much about sharing my past with this new someone, but more the reaction I might get. Just like getting to know any new person, it can be very nerve-racking!

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

At least I feel good about the way I look today! very summery!

The Following Message Should be Applied to Everyone!

A new friend wrote this to me this morning. I thought it was great! I will try my best to follow these rules for the rest of my life!

"Life is short, Break the rules, Forgive quickly, Kiss slowly, Love truly, Laugh uncontrollably, And never regret anything that made you smile".

I Can't Stop This Feeling

I cannot explain this feeling. Its like I am 9 years old and meeting my idol for the first time, and I am nervous and scared, and super excited! What an amazing night, it was so perfect! He came at the perfect time in my life! I am so happy about this!

Smile!

Thats all I can do right now!
I cannot stop!
It feels so good!
Smile!

Refresh

I had no idea that sometimes you have to refresh in order to see new postings. Thats annoying.

refresh! refresh! refresh! refresh! refresh!

Numb In My Brain

I dreamed of babies last night. And pregnant women. Faces were happy. Happy babies, happy soon-to-be mommies.

I woke up feeling nothing. No saddness, no happiness. Just numb to my dream. I am okay with those feelings. Actually I have moved on since then, its 12:08p now. I am happy as of this moment. Thanks for inquiring!

Kiss Me Beneath The Shining Stars

"My heart smiled when you kissed my lips. What a sweet surprise." Jan Arden

Something That Made Me Smile.. A Little...A Lot

"I have spread my dreams beneath your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams." W.B. Yeats

And It Begins!

Go Terps!

Beat Davidson!

Bee-You-Tee-Full!

Yes indeedy!
The weather is wonderful!
I am feeling another good day coming on!
Lovin' it!
Been doing well, going to support groups 4 days a week, staying off the booze, and the other bad things.
Medication is rally boosting my serotonin levels big time! I feel great, healthy wise at least.

Miss my friends, at least they were my friends. Too bad they cannot see how good I am doing. Thats okay. People are entitled to their feelings. I am too. I am feeling really good, and I cannot let that stop me from moving forward with my life. I am kinda on a roll right now, and the saddness of my friends that need time away from me, well... I am okay with that too, right now. There are friends that I have that are supporting my support groups, my positive outlook, my laughters, my smiles, my good feelings, my interest in men, again, they are helping me stay focused and positive. Those friends, I appreciate. Thank you! Okay, staying ofcused and going back to work!

Perfect! What am I Waiting For Then?

"We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love". Tom Robbins in "Still Life With Woodpecker"

Spring is Here!

I am feeling great! No more anger! I feel so good. Maybe because I am back on medication too. =). The weather is amazing, I love it!

In two weeks, I will be in North Carolina and I cannot wait! The weather will be great, and I will be with friends and loved ones. I have something really good to loook forward too!

God, I feel good today. Almost high... its crazy!

I am enjoying the new people I have been meeting. It's been different, but really nice.

ANGER- DAY 3

Did not get much sleep even with the 12.5 mg of Ambien CR. I was up since the early morning, angry, upset, sad, hurt, torn, I wanted the thoughts out of my head. The terrible dream I had lingers even till now. While I sit here at work. I am so angry, sad, hurt. My eyes fill with tears, and I just wish that the thoughts would disappear.

Even Worse

...being stuck behind a car during rush hour traffic (3:00p) on the beltway coming from Tysons Corner, which is immersed in bumber stickers, regular stickers with words that make me sick to me stomach. I cried for 2 miles straight (about 20 minutes). Those stickers made me feel terrible, sad, angry, insignificant. I wanted to rear end this woman and her station wagon. I wanted to hate her and wish terrible things upon her. But, instead I just cried to myself and the sad songs playing on the ipod.

When will little things like the stickers, not bother me anymore? I am ready for that. As I was sitting behind her on the road, my stomach ached, it felt as if a knife was piercing through, my legs tightened up, my knuckles turned white, my breathing became louder and harder. I wanted to scream at the top of my luncg "STOP!! PLEASE JUST STOP!" My abdomen gets tight and achy around stickers with words like hers. It has been the first time since Jon has left, that I saw a car that promoted so much. I wanted to cry and yell at him (but not about him) I just wanted to scream and cry. He held my hand last time we saw a car like that. He helped me. He can't help me anymore. I feel like screaming about that too. FUCK man, at least I am home. I feel a little better. I am out of meds, I need to get more. I cannot get on that highway now though. I will just me frustrated. I will get more tomorrow. For sure.

Meeting tonight! I am anxious for that! It will help me, and I cannot wait.

Yes, I Am Pretty Fucking Angry.

I am pretty fucking angry. Which makes me angry at everyone else that I think about. I am in a hateful, angry, terribly pissed mood. I am so angry with everyone, myself, and even my dog. I feel that life is very fucking unfair, and I am not getting a single little chance at anything decent and good. I hate love, thinking about love, thinking about when I was in love, who I loved...etc. I hate the men that I loved.

One of my past loves has been calling me, checking in on me, waiting for me to visit him. I blow him off. But I do make arrangements to go and visit him. I cannot wait, but I can. I feel that I make no sense. I want to hate him right now, I do hate him. Maybe I don't. He is worried about me, he misses me. I miss him. Actually, I don't right now. I miss someone else. He too, I hate. Right now. God, I hate this feeling.

I am hungry, I hate that too. I am really not hungry, but I eat anyways. I eat too much, I am losing weight though. I am not healthy. I hate healthy. I hate food. The support groups save me through the week. I hate them. Not really. But I want too.

I want to cry. I hate that too.

Inspired

I got a new journal. I am anxious to start writing in it. Not that I don't like typing everything. I guess there are some thoughts I prefer to keep only to myself. Words that I do not ever want anyone to see. Thoughts about October, November, December, January, February, and now March. Private thoughts and secrets that will be so raw and vulnerable that I might be scared again of what I am writing. Hopefully, this time I will not burn this journal.

Escaping Death. Running Towards Death

A very good friend of mine just got back from South America. While he was there, he almost died. As he was telling me the couragous story of what he and a friend went through he often referred back saying, "I thought about you guys, my friends, you, my family, I thought I was going to die."

It's funny how he fought waters and swam for 32 hours through night and day to stay alive, and all I want to be at peace sleeping, never waking up. As he told me his story, I began to cry. He wanted to live so badly, and I just wanted to crash my car on the highway. I love my friends and my family, I know that what I am thinking some days is not good for them either. I cried that my friend is alive and safe, and not dead. I cried because I so badly wanted too.

My friend is brave and he saved his friends life. I am waiting to save my own still. Hopeful and waiting still.

I Am Absent From Myself

Like a vine that has twisted its way though the years around the oak tree, twisted like so that it smothered the tree where it was hard to find where the tree left off and the wine began.

I empathized with that tree. My depression had grown on me as that vine had conquered the oak; it had been a sucking thing that has wrapped itself around me, ugly and more alive than I. It had had a life of its own that bit by bit asphyxiates all of my life out of me. I have moods that I knew were not my moods: they belonged to the depression, as surely as the leaves on the tree’s high branches belong to the vine.

I feel as if my mind is immured, I can’t expand it in any direction. I knew that the sun rises and sets, but little of the light ever touches me. I fel myself sagging under what is much stronger than I; I fall because my ankles turn, my knees are uncontrollable, my shoulders turn in, and in the end I am compacted and fetal, depleted by this thing that is crushing me without holding me. Its tendrils threaten to pulverize my mind and my courage and my stomach, and desiccate my body. It goes on glutting inside of me when there seems that there is nothing left to feed it.

I am not strong enough to stop breathing. I cannot kill this vine that wraps itself so tightly around me. My energy is gone, and I just want it to let me die. Every second since I have been awake today has hurt me. My mouth is parched, and my tears are all dry. I had thought that when you feel your worst your tears flood, but the very worst pain is the arid pain of total violation that comes after the tears are all used up, the pain that stops up every space through which I once metered the world, or the world, me.

I am absent from myself.

Return You Have

You came back to me last night you terrible man.
I felt you, I hate you still.
I cried out for help, but I was suffocated by my pillow.
Why have you come back?
Why do you haunt my dreams and my thoughts?
I am scared of you.
I am scared of you.
Please leave me alone.
I cry, I cry.

Wounded Yes, Love No

Amoris vulnus idem sanat, qui facit". Syrus Publilius