Even Worse

...being stuck behind a car during rush hour traffic (3:00p) on the beltway coming from Tysons Corner, which is immersed in bumber stickers, regular stickers with words that make me sick to me stomach. I cried for 2 miles straight (about 20 minutes). Those stickers made me feel terrible, sad, angry, insignificant. I wanted to rear end this woman and her station wagon. I wanted to hate her and wish terrible things upon her. But, instead I just cried to myself and the sad songs playing on the ipod.

When will little things like the stickers, not bother me anymore? I am ready for that. As I was sitting behind her on the road, my stomach ached, it felt as if a knife was piercing through, my legs tightened up, my knuckles turned white, my breathing became louder and harder. I wanted to scream at the top of my luncg "STOP!! PLEASE JUST STOP!" My abdomen gets tight and achy around stickers with words like hers. It has been the first time since Jon has left, that I saw a car that promoted so much. I wanted to cry and yell at him (but not about him) I just wanted to scream and cry. He held my hand last time we saw a car like that. He helped me. He can't help me anymore. I feel like screaming about that too. FUCK man, at least I am home. I feel a little better. I am out of meds, I need to get more. I cannot get on that highway now though. I will just me frustrated. I will get more tomorrow. For sure.

Meeting tonight! I am anxious for that! It will help me, and I cannot wait.